Friday, November 7, 2008

Schindlers' Lisp

Apart from being possessed of a defective gaydar I have another handicap: I am a big louse in the cruising department that I often have suspicions that I maybe a closeted heterosexual after all.

Ok, hold that groan, the rolling eyeballs and the judgmental monologue.

I entered the lift, lost in storms of thoughts that circle around unnerving keywords like pressing work, personal life, familial anxieties, ominous deadlines. Add to this the occasional grip of inadequacy that paralyzes you with terror; that despite your can-do confidence and past accomplishments you're not really up to the job and responsibilities that are shoved upon your face. So your mind races ahead to Kazakhstan while your facial expression is still boarding somewhere in Botswana.

When I am in this state of partial autism I generally have no regard for anything or anyone, and in this particular incident, a guy in muscle shirt at least a size smaller than his gym-welded physique.

“Nice tie!” he suddenly blurted out that I jumped a little.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, struggling to hide the flush of embarrassment
that's starting to race across my face for being jolted out of reverie.

The elevator hummed. Dinged as we passed several floors.

“I love the fabric and the pattern.” He added, unblinking, looking at me straight, hell-bent to make an eye contact.

“Oh, glad you like it.” I stammered, getting queasy from the steady gaze.

Moments passed in silence. I avoided staring back, at the same time starting to feel guilty for being rude. Normally I don't have problems with random compliments but this one is starting to freak me out. For the record the dude is cute and I am wondering if it was a harmless attempt at small talk when it was apparent in my laconic response that I am not in the running for the Congeniality Sash for Mr. Undas 2008. And here's the clincher: I am not exactly a David Beckham deadringer to adopt the aloof snootiness at all. Under different circumstances I would have enjoyed an aimless good-natured banter with a stranger in an elevator. It's just that my thoughts at that particular hour were all coiled like Bob Marley's dreadlocks to respond enthusiastically to the casual conversation.

“Where did you buy it?” he asked again, volunteering to keep the dialogue going.

“Oh, I'm sorry I have no idea. A friend bought it for me.” I forced a tepid smile, then stared at the project dossier I was holding to abstain from the drilling look the other dude is casting towards my neckline. He didn't blink nor did the prankish curve of a smile dissolve from the corners of his mouth.

The elevator dinged open and we both spilled out of Schindlers' box onto the building's lobby. Him smiling like a mischievous cheshire cat, me having the vacuous look of Paris Hilton before a double trinomial equation.

He nodded at me and walked off happilly, probably singing Barbra Streissand songs in his head.

Then it hit me: He was flirting!

Kick me for being a dense dolt. Kick me twice for being a dopey chicken.


conventional Wisdom said...

Translation 101:

Nice Tie = Nice looking guy.

I love the fabric and the pattern = I think I like you.

Where did you buy it? = May I buy you coffee?

Might help you next time.

So, where did you buy it? Lol.

datu/the wilted prune said...

*kick! kick!* ^-^'

E said...

that would've been a hot hot sex story sana...tsk tsk tsk

The Capitalist Panda said...

Three things.

1. You're an idiot

I mean. HE ASKED YOU ABOUT YOUR TIE! That's a comeon if I ever heard one.

And by the way, that just proved that you're pervable. I shall tell Datu to start Operation Rape LoudCloud because of that comment.

2. You like pussy too much.

You prefer those dank acidic holes you refer to as "vaginas". Every right minded gay guy would refer to it as "hell." Now - if you would consent to a night of debauchery with your straight guys, could you be persuaded to go in a night of debauchery with your gay buddies? You know, one in which we might slip you GHB and start... Whoops, did I just say that? >:)

3. Damn. I thought the earlier comment was too blech for you, so much so that you would ignore it. Wahahahahaha. I should have changed the name from CapitalistPanda to LawdBawd or something like that.

loudcloud said...

wandering commuter:

"Where did you buy it? = May I buy you coffee?"

whoa! i once asked a guy in the elevator where he bought his ultraneat messenger bag. but i wasn't trying to engage him on hormone-swapping at all! he was pleasant and we had a nice brief talk about missing on buying the one-off philippe starck's laptop bag for samsonite. do you think he took it as me hitting on him? hahaha. i was a dork.

loudcloud said...

datu : ouch! you evil prune. haha.

E - i'll keep my eyes peeled for when i bump into him again in the elevator but i figured the moment have lapsed. lol.

capitalist panda - i almost automatically deleted your previous comment then i figured there's something sinister about the mess of a comment that has your pawprints all over it, you sneaky bamboo leaf-eating louse! hahaha.

Misterhubs said...

You're sexually autistic. Hehe.

loudcloud said...

misterhubs! - ain't that the sad truth?! niyahahaha.

loudcloud said...

controversial wisdom:

"So, where did you buy it? Lol." <--it just dawned to me the full impact of this.


i'm getting more retarded by the minute! what's happening to me?!! LOL

the nomad said...

another ear-clapping post. really now, you and misterhubs should do a collaborative book.

both of your brains seem to be made from the same genetic material, with a flair for crafting witty/warped writings. =)

loudcloud said...

why thank you, the nomad :-)

but i will never dare compare my incoherent twaddles to misterhubs' well-penned, laugh-out-loud entries. his rabid fans will rise en masse to call for my immediate beheading! hehe. methinks a book project from misterhubs is not a far idea at all. his works and that of Chronicles Of E are bestsellers in search of a daring publisher!

The Capitalist Panda said...

@loud - what do you think I was gunning for? Wahahahaha. Then I could have found numerous ways to screw you over. la la la la. - Q

Conventional Wisdom said...

I am not so sure if you were responding to me Loud Cloud.. unless, I am now "wandering commuter" or "controversial wisdom". Lol.

I think you "bought the tie" at the Starbucks, Podium, Saturday, 3:00 pm. Lol.

loudcloud said...

capitalist panda - go away. or at least go perv chris tiu for the meantime. hahahaha.

conventional wisdom - LOL. very creative! ;-)

Mugen said...

I'm glad that I'm not alone in my quest to become a notorious snooty. Hahaha.

datu/the wilted prune said...

*dominates loud cloud* >:)

Sc_Ocelot said...

Hi-larious ^^

Though IMHO I think you were totally on stealth mode, you even said it yourself subconsciously: "He added...looking at me STRAIGHT" ~ Looking straight at me?

And still, you never know eh? What if he really was just complimenting your tie...

Anyway there is bound to be another chance

You did get off the same floor, right?

PS. And I agree on the color of October mornings ^^

loudcloud said...

mugen - what a strange relief? hahaha.

datu - stop following the capitalist panda's evil lead. LOL

ocelot - we got off on the lobby; he got in some five floors from where i came from. it's neat that we are in agreement color-wise.


The Capitalist Panda said...

tara loudcloud, lets get coffee sometime :D

I promise not to spike your coffee (Datu will do it for me... Then we'll share you).

Whoops. Did i saythat aloud?

loudcloud said...

*makes mental note not to drink/eat anything capitalist panda gives him*

Ronnan Tristan said...

'me having the vacuous look of Paris Hilton before a double trinomial equation."

I love the Wonky McValtrex style!!! this post is funny... hehehe

loudcloud said...

thank you for taking time to visit and leave a comment, ronnan tristan!

i wandered briefly in your blog and will be back there for thorough reading very soon :-)