Monday, August 6, 2007

The Big Bang Fury

Tearing aimlessly in Greenbelt3 my eyes beheld the precise embodiment of everything that induces thunderous spasms of lust in me. I try to resist its blinding appeal but in the case of most obsessions my judgment is instantaneously reduced into that of a pathetic, slobbering idiot. Sanity charges that I shouldn’t fixate over it; that there are much more pressing things in life that need undivided attention (world peace for instance)— but I am beyond help.

Ladies, lads and every other hormonal species in between, if you want a sex slave, memorize the following to stuff in my Christmas sock.

The Hallowed Bang & Olufsen. They have opened their flagship store in the third world!

I have repeatedly written in the past that I have the taste for Veuve Clicquot but am cursed of having the budget for SanMig Strong Ice. This glaring fact doesn’t stop me from the delusion of someday owning the überstylish BeoCom2 Phone, the BeoSound9000, BeoCenter2 (or the BeoSound3200) sound system and the convention-defying BeoVision9 flatscreen. Whenever I see magazine spreads featuring them I get wildly aroused, it’s embarrassing. It’s as if the tasteful acoustic advancements of BeoLab5/Beolab8000 is directly hotwired to my crotch.

Bang and Olufsen was also the trigger of a bitter argument between me and my pseudofriend Nicodemus. Nicodemus is a bonafide audiophile. His father’s home boasts of high-fi audio, video, theater systems and obscenely priced super speakers having the price tag of two million pesos. Each. Though these speakers and systems are technically superior they come off so-so on my personal style quotient. So imagine his chagrin on my insistence that sophisticated urbanites, as far as home electronics are concerned, should only possess Bang & Olufsen as the supreme statement of one’s polished taste.

Removing verbal profanities our heated debate goes this way:

  • Me: (leafing through Wallpaper*/Metropolis/Surface/City/Clear Magazines) Wow! Bang is THE proof that God exists!
  • Nico: Beh! I am not impressed! *insert here some technically superlative but negligible brand* is better!
  • Me: Says who, gonzo?!
  • Nico: Says the expert! Oh, I’m so sorry I had to spell it out to you — M-E!
  • Me: You?! THE Expert? Then I’m the technodeity!
  • Nico: Bang & Olfusen will deteriorate faster in Metro Manila’s humid climate! It’s not practical!
  • Me: *crosses arms in defiance* Then I’ll store it in arctic-temperature room! Meralco be damned!
  • Nico: It has flaws! *he launches into an enumeration of technical gibberish that strikes me as blah blah blah until I launch into astral travel*
  • Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yadda yadda zonk wonka poo!
  • Nico: why are you being a stubborn dork?
  • Me: why are you being a snooty snot?
  • Nico: jerk.
  • Me: asshole.
Nico maybe theoretically correct with his arguments but for a rabid fan that’s nothing short of blasphemy in my book. Bang & Olufsen is the iconic design maverick! Even Michael Grave’s Target phone or Philippe Starck’s Ola Phone are not close to the licentious seizures the BeoCom2 Phone provokes.

Approximating a hallucination of owning the Bugatti Veyron or a Lamborghini Diablo, I am aware that buying the BeoCom2 phone or the BeoSound series will fling me irrevocably into The Great Poverty Limbo. Then again what’s the point of living without obsessions? Obsessions defy logic. Wallpaper*, the purveyor of acquisitional culture, puts it succinctly: “I don’t know where it would go, I want it!”

In the same vein I am going to ignore reason. I just want my big Bang!

~ ~ ~

Pleasant Dispatch From A Parallel/Saner Universe:

Booboostrider merited my insanity with Blogger-Writer Of The Year citation!

As I mentioned in his comments page, I didn't expect to win this award! *wipestearandstiflesacry* Considering the brilliant, brilliant, ravenous competitors out there I feel so humbled! I thank the Academy, Booboostrider whose taste is beyond reproach, and of course, mom and dad for all those tuba lessons when I was five...


Thanks muchly for the vote of confidence!

Where do I claim my BeoCom2 phone prize?


ian said...

bludgeon me not but the BeoCom 2 phone looks... funny. does it double as a handheld shower too? =]


blogger-writer of the year! wooohooo attaboyloudclouod!

o, stop crying na for not winning the filipino-blog-of-the-week badge teeheehee

loudcloud said...

ian! i'm sharpening my machete while typing this!

no, i'm still sore over my humiliating defeat! bwahaha. not!

happy trip to czechoslovakia, kazakhstan, kurdistan, or any country ending in stan!

Q The Conqueror said...

o_O It's a FLAGSHIP store?! In Manila!? *triple blink*

I didn't know there was a strong market for uberglamorous wireless telephones here. Hehehe. Knowing the Filipino, he'd take a look at it, and wait for the enterprising Chinese to copy it and sell it cheaper at Divisoria.

The Aceist said...

to loudcloud with the silver lining...


Sigh. Been so busy. And I'll be busier. But I promise to be a more dutiful housewife from now on.

loudcloud said...

Q! much to my dismay the beophone is still waiting for NTC approval here in the third world. attabummer! but the audio and monitors are available on stratospheric prices. even the bang olufsen mp3 player costs P65,000.00. obscene.

loudcloud said...

martha stewart wannabe! - welcome back! kaninong saplot yang hawak mo?! hahaha

Q The Conqueror said...

Holy Crap... 65 000 for an MP3 player!? Who the hell will buy that when they can buy Ipooed at DivisOria for 1k, 4gigs pa! :))

loudcloud said...

Q! you are an evil, evil man! hahaha. i'm trying to recreate the mental image of the picture you are describing and the only thing preventing me from erupting into hysterical chuckles is the fact that datu interned with a voodoo master in one of them hoodoo island here in the p.i. this allegation remains open for validation.

as for the bang & olufsen mp3 player, well, there exist a certain type of snooty consumer with obscene amount of disposable money to boot. i am not one of them. which annoys me, of course. hehe.