Thursday, August 2, 2007

Indecent Disclosure

Amateur Misanthrope has impressive discrimination for music but when it comes to cybertagging his judgment seems to be impaired. I mean, how can one possibly explain picking me, yes, warped me, to participate in this electronic version of good old classic chain letter? Remember those chain letters? Remember how you get all worked up over admonitions that if you break the chain endless misfortunes will befall your heedless head including but not limited to spontaneous combustion, instant sterility, rapid baldness, contracting antibiotic-resistant airborne herpes, imminent bankruptcy and teeth rotting at the speed of light. It’s not much different than horoscopes that reveal a believable fact that Geminis are generally bisexual and will probably get run over by cement truck mixers if they don’t observe cosmic warnings.

Good thing I am astrologically agnostic. With one exception: I’ve read in a psychic chart somewhere that Aquarians are the best human beings around. I didn’t doubt it one bit. That’s the only time I can vouch for this metaphysical hoo-ha’s unimpeachable accuracy. Of course I’m digressing like a twitchy kindergarten whose attention span is marinated in undiluted industrial grade sugar syrup. The challenge hovering over my scattered mind is to write eight things about me.

Great. Another crack at conceit and narcissism.

  • 01. I love writing longhand using pencils. I like the muted sound of supersharp lead screeching across the smooth surface of paper. This drives my friend Zorgonia berserk. It has the same cringe-inducing effect on her like a fork scratching a concrete wall. My office and home desks have canisters holding about forty prickly-tipped pencils. These pencils should only be Mongol No. 1 with its wooden tube in trademark yellow. My most unusual ideas happen while I’m sharpening already sharp pencils. This also saves me obscenely expensive therapy fees.
  • 02. I wear white and black underwear only. Black if I feel sexy, and white for indispensable comfort. Though at times I sleep naked, I cannot seem to sleep in anything of other color. Even my sheets and pillow cases are all crisply white. I once saw in a Bench store psychedelic graphic print undies and I can’t help thinking whoever designed them must be on terminal heroin dependency. So nothing can convince me out of the resolve that only women should wear color undies and men should stick to black and white. This must be another neurosis waiting a proper name.
  • 03. Speaking of neurosis, I love reading street posters, outlandish home-made business advertisements scrawled on plywood (“Ospital de Sapatos” spotted somewhere in University Belt, “Maligamgam KTV” and the hysterical girlie club in QC called “The Devil Wears Nada.” It’s star stripper goes with the name Hiwa Moto. Riot!), dilapidated and peeling street signs, and irredeemably tacky billboards. I would pass these things gazillion times and I will STILL read them out loud like auto reflex. Annoying and hysterical involuntary thing to do.
  • 04. I collect jeepney and cab slogans. “God Knows Judas Not Pay,” “Six Sisters One Brothers,” “Distancia Amigo,” “Basta Seksi, Libri!,” “Tama na Inay! Lumaban Ka Itay!” never fails to crack me up.
  • 05. Smart Alecks and Jaundiced Humorists are my favorite breed.
  • 06. I find the neck of a woman especially sensual.
  • 07. Oversleeping on a Sunday morning and waking up to ambient fusion sounds improves my temper.
  • 08. Laughter is my drug of choice.

Now that I have divulged all these unpleasant details, and as the tagging rule would have it, I’d like to inflict the same torment on the following folks:
I'd end with a disclaimer: Don't blame me for this unnecessary burden. All foul howls of protest should be directed at Amateur Misanthrope for igniting this chain. I just had to follow the rules.

I fear for my scalp, my sperm count and my dismal bank account.

~ ~ ~

From my off line YM messages re this entry:

(name removed upon request) (8/4/2007 12:22:33 AM): hahahhaaha... The Devil Wears Nada.... hahahahaha. I, too, have a keen eye on these things. I once saw a banner that said "This Barangay is 98% Drug-Free" (Watch out 2%, we know who you are) Parentheses mine. And to top it, the 98% was hand-written on a blank. This meant that they had updates :) hahahah

(name removed upon request) (8/4/2007 12:25:27 AM): And who could forget this example: You know how some imported trucks are right-hand drives? I saw one with a sign that said Right-Hand Drive. Well, I guess they converted it to comply with our rules because I saw a manually-painted scribbling right before the sign that said "No More" hahahahaha.

Bwahahaha. What a riot! we should compile this!

5 comments:

ian said...

what an awful, awful man!

using the words "chain letter" and "underwear" together in one blog post! those ubiquitous chain letters have been key to keeping the country away from apocalypse and made many a physician pass the board exams!

shame on you for using this institution as a way for brandishing your monotoneskivviesphilia! =0 and the reference to "pencils" shall not go unnoticed... but i will leave it at that for now...

as i am still reeling from a previous tag, this meme shall be propagated at a later date.

thanks, i think-

Datu said...

i have one fact for yah--

i put cybertaggers on my leg and SNAP THEM LIKE TWIGS. :)

haha fine, i'll consider.

loudcloud said...

datu - you are a scary, scary dude! bwahahaha.

ian - leave the pencils alone! haha.

Boyd said...

great. thanks for giving me an excuse to blog, you heartless wretch.

insomnia has no cure. insomnia has no cure. insomnia has no cure.

loudcloud said...

boyd! quit moaning and start writing you crabby lot! hahaha