Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Memo From Hell

Mariano posted this inter-office memo in his blog.

From: Ms. HR
To: Mariano Juancho
Cc: Big Brother Boss
Subject: FW: SCJP REtake[Scanned]
Date: Thu, 7 Aug 2008 17:06:35 +0800

Hi Huwantso,

Please be advised that you are scheduled for a retake of the SCJP exam on August 20. The following time slots are still open – 9am, 11am and 1pm. You may coordinate with Ms. Front Desk regarding your preferred time slot.

Let me know if you have questions.

Good luck in the exam!

Ms. HR

Being a freakazoid that I am I offered unsolicited help, took the—ahem—creative liberty and crafted this opus as possible response:

From: Huwantso
To: Ms. HR aka Satan's Agent
Cc: Big Brother Boss
Subject: FW: SCJP REtake[Scanned]


I spit on your dopey questionnaire, you corporate ass-kissing maggot. I hope you froze from paralyzing brain aneurysm, you bureaucratic freak. I'll dance on your tomb and hope you grow old and die a fucking virgin.

See you at your funeral.

All the best!

~ ~ ~

loud cloud: hola!
loud cloud: hehe
loud cloud: good luck sa exams!
uliratnimariano: loud
uliratnimariano: haha
uliratnimariano: salamat
uliratnimariano: thanks for that comment
loud cloud: hehehe
uliratnimariano: hanep talaga
uliratnimariano: ahahah
uliratnimariano: muntik ko nang isend
loud cloud: dapat sinisindak ang HR
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: so yung email na yun is used in real life situation?
loud cloud: minsan nag Christmas party (in our office). eh pakana nila (the Human Retards Department) costume party daw. gaaaaaaaah. so i told them: "since you are all women come as a congregation of pregnant nuns with a cardboard around your necks that says 'the devil made me do it!'"
loud cloud: they were not amused
uliratnimariano: hahaha
uliratnimariano: ang gandang idea
uliratnimariano: ang gandang suggestion eh
loud cloud: no i always make it a point to 'anotate' their memos and mock them
loud cloud: lol
uliratnimariano: ahaha
uliratnimariano: maganda yan
loud cloud: or i post 'fake' memos
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: so far wala naman akong issue na mabigat
loud cloud: gumagawa kami ng fake memos na parang totoo
loud cloud: prank sa opis
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: wow
uliratnimariano: nakapost yon?
uliratnimariano: hanep
uliratnimariano: di ko naman kayang gawin yon
uliratnimariano: hahaha
loud cloud: "Dear employees: management is hereby directing everyone to do compulsory exercise to test productivity. When you reach the office in the morning please stand on your head and see if oxygen reaches your brains."
loud cloud: may gumawa
loud cloud: LOLOL
loud cloud: siyempre di ka dapat nagpapahuli
uliratnimariano: taena
uliratnimariano: may gumawa pa non?
uliratnimariano: shet
loud cloud: hahahhaha
loud cloud: you wont believe how gullible some people can be
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: ano ba naman yon
loud cloud: syempre kaming mga henyo ang suspects
loud cloud: hahahah
uliratnimariano: ahaha
uliratnimariano: mga pasimuno ng lagim
uliratnimariano: masyadong maliit ang opisina
uliratnimariano: saka walang natingin sa memo
loud cloud: "dear employees. Recent studies have shown that good sleep increases productivity at work. 2 hour post-lunch nap is now compulsory"
loud cloud: that one was so believed by everyone
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: puta
uliratnimariano: hahahaha
loud cloud: hahahaha
uliratnimariano: ahahahahahaha
loud cloud: dami natulog!
loud cloud: hahhahahahaha
uliratnimariano: hahahaha
uliratnimariano: kahit ako pabor ako dun!
uliratnimariano: kahit joke o hindi
loud cloud: dami nga natuwa except the HR
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: via email kasi ang mga general memos dito
uliratnimariano: kaya walang lusot
loud cloud: hack their emails!
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: negatib
uliratnimariano: ahaha
loud cloud: di pa xerox ka tapos distribute mo lunch break pag walang tao
loud cloud: LOL
uliratnimariano: ahaha
uliratnimariano: oo nga eh
uliratnimariano: magandang prank
uliratnimariano: pati sa general manager's office
loud cloud: i cant stand HR
loud cloud: and their lameass corporate policies
uliratnimariano: wala namang masyadong brutality on my part
loud cloud: dapat may suwail sa company ninyo. pwede mag apply dyan? LOL
uliratnimariano: kung pwede lang
uliratnimariano: why not
loud cloud: hahhaah
uliratnimariano: kaso close masyado mga tao dito
loud cloud: ma terrorize ko yung HR ninyo
uliratnimariano: ahahaha
uliratnimariano: oo
uliratnimariano: hawak ko nga yung application nila ngayon
uliratnimariano: kame ang gumagawa
uliratnimariano: parang gusto kong singitan ng kung ano
uliratnimariano: ahahaha
uliratnimariano: ayos!
loud cloud: application form?
uliratnimariano: sige
uliratnimariano: maghahanap pa ako
uliratnimariano: haha
uliratnimariano: parang seryoso ka ah
loud cloud: lagyan mo!
uliratnimariano: haha
uliratnimariano: wag naman, joke lang yon
uliratnimariano: application sa website
uliratnimariano: web based computer application
uliratnimariano: lalagyan ko ng kalokohan
uliratnimariano: ahaha
uliratnimariano: teka lang ha
loud cloud: "By signing the dotted line you commit to let go of your independence, bestow your full obedience, your first-born and your kidneys to the company."
loud cloud: singit mo dali!
loud cloud: LOL
loud cloud: "and you waive all your legal rights and allow management to slap your buttocks with a frying fan"
loud cloud: brb
uliratnimariano's status is now "Idle". (8/12/2008 5:08 PM)


Mariano said...

HR is being quite a bitch these season, so I better cook something good for the office for as long as I am still here.

Thanks for the advice my friend, that helped me in a very humongous way, ahaha.

loudcloud said...

mariano! - HR chooses no season to bitch. It's hotwired on their chromosomes. :P

TL said...

pwede kong gawin to. kailangan ko lang nga mahack yung email ni ms HR. mainit pa naman dugo non sakin. pati sa kapatid ko. ahahah

maganda din direct email mula sa big boss para kay HR na kailangan nya magresign.

loudcloud said...

TL! - the latter would be a brilliant move! bwahahaha.

btw, you didn't hear this warped encouragement from me :P