Sunday, September 9, 2007

Power Failure Part Deux

Competitions hammer unspeakable tremors of dread in my heart.

Not because I am a wuss. Far from it, as a matter of fact: I am an aggressively bloodthirsty person. See me at work and you’d have a clear idea of what a grotesque mutation would be like if you splice a famished shark, a swarm of piranhas, Anna Wintour, Barry Diller and Michael Ovitz. Contests precipitate such anxiety because I always never gain popular defense. Also, my altitude of conceit makes potential friendly voters dash toward the one-way exit muttering foul oaths. This is a handicap I do not bother concealing because I am a stubborn freak. This also makes me hugely unpopular. So it’s not really a massive shock that I suffer defeat on my second nomination for the Filipino Blogger Of The Week.

This, of course, makes me glum.

Sometimes I find myself with a half-wish to radiate the winsome charm of Joy Joy, the smart surgical wit of Misterhubs, the riotous entertainment glee of Ade, The Noisy, Noisy Man or the sensible optimism of Ian. This is what I know: I am critically warped and it would be a mortal offense to channel another person’s unique qualities and slide into a how-to civilian kind mentality - something I am not inclined to subscribe to. Yet I somehow find a strange streak of unexpected ache to win something and salvage this insane blog from downright obscurity.

I figured it’s high time I retool my cyberimage if I wish to inspire mass support, slavering adulation and people of all persuasions throwing themselves at me like mindlessly-possessed hormonally-crazed penguins. Not to worry. I’ve come up with a few strategies to change my blog’s bearing to attract a rabid legion of cyberpolling thralls:

  • 01. Dismiss my anomalous fixation for blue and in a seven hundred twenty degree turn overhaul this page into a superdelicious concoction of pastels, soft hues and candy-colored girly patterns! Yes! This will be my cybermagnet to have girls and guys who are actually girls to vote for me! Branding wisdom has it that when you get the girls and gay demographics you practically own the entire spectrum of marketing! And add Hello Kitty pictures! It never fails!

  • 02. Litter my blog with scandal clips, erogenous, titillating images of pretty man-boys in various states of undress! Occasionally I’ll toss in a tit pic of Jessica Alba, Salma Hayek and Scarlett Johansson so as not to alienate the random fundamentalistic heteros who may wander in!

  • 03. Recycle jokes and publicly profess respect for Boy Abunda!

  • 04. Become a linkslut! Exchange links and open friendster and myspace accounts and bribe potential voters of graphic, unprintable sexual favors!

  • 05. Recycle jokes and publicly profess respect for Boy Abunda! No, wait! I’ve already said that!

  • 06. When all else fails, beg and grovel shamelessly!
On to the next round!

~ ~ ~


Congratulations James for acing the cyberpoll!

Thank you Joy Joy and Toni for the relentless campaign!

Thank you Talksmart for the second round. And the third!

Much thanks to everyone who voted with special shout for the unidentified lovely folks who voted me to the No. 2 spot!

10 comments:

James said...

you had me laughing right now! LMAO

i like the first strategy, what's with these pastel colours anyway? being a link slut is not a bad idea. commercializing oneself for the masses is pain in the arse sometimes but it helps you gain a lot of things.

i like your wit and for that, you deserved to be linked. wink*

thanks again. my more intellectual friends enjoys reading your blog so linking up is not a bad thing at all. winks again*

toni said...

at last ngupdate ng blog si mr.loudcloud..
nabasa ko don ke mr.CG yong comment ni james na eelevate sa hall of fame muna si cantilagnon..so maybe after that baka ikaw na manalo.
how nice of james..iba din kayo magmahalan na magkakaibigan..inggit kami.

datu, the wilted prune. said...

oh dear, i dread the coming makeover...

Hello Kitty--the HORRORS!!!

Welcome back to civilization!

loudcloud said...

james - pastels are directly hotwired to the crotches of blog voters! not! hehe. too bad your more brainy friends are a minority. so i must contend with the second place merit. cantilagnon and yourself should be in the hall of fame. as for my insanity, i knew right from the start that it shouldn't be taken seriously, so the pseudobitterness is really a self-inflicted parody :)

toni! - salamat sa support and tireless campaigning! deserving naman talaga ma elevate sa hall of fame si cantilagnon for the unique blog. staying true to your roots is something worth commendation!

datu, her exalted highness! - oh yes, hello kitty is coming thy way! AND, also, rainbow brite!!!

Q The Conqueror said...

Oh yes. Sex sells. Thats what the nice pictures of half-naked boys and scandal clips are for. Hahaha.

I bet your traffic would increase exponentially. :P But, would it be worth the braincells which die from excessive masturbation? (Okay... that didn't really make sense).

You should swear undying loyalty to Boy, Kris and Baby James. Hahaha. Boy alone isn't enough. :P

MISTERHUBS said...

There's a sure-fire way to win polls like this. It's called proxy servers. I bet that's what the competition may be doing.

loudcloud said...

q! you're driving a hard bargain! professing affinity for boy abunda is such a tough test of willpower to gulp AND you're adding kris AND baby james? haven't i suffered enough?! hahaha

loudcloud said...

misterhubs! - if it is the case then i'm a hapless loser because i'm a bona fide technoretard! where's datu when you need her?!

datu, the wilted prune. said...

loud_cloud! - sadly, i haven't the faintest idea of proxy servers either. :(

loudcloud said...

datu - that's all right. high time i learned voodoo and hypnosis! hahaha