Thursday, February 28, 2008

If I Were Kris

March twenty three two thousand and six at about four minutes past ten I wrote this lampoon in another blog which I cannot resist recycling here. Kris Aquino fans, put your machetes aside. Please.

Omigosh! What is wrong with [name of site] ba?!! I cannot for the life of me understand this site ha! So full of dyologs and baho-looking people they cannot type correct sentences pa!!! Kadiri kaya this site and if it were up to me dapat we eliminate na people with low IQ no! Dapat meron second genetic cleansing initiative tapos we make una into the gas chambers those who type journal entries like as if nagtatype ng cellphone txt to make tago the fact that they cannot spell to save their souls no! Bah! As if we don't know better! How pathetic some ignorant folks can be! Hayyyy! How sad!

I am not bitching, FYI lang ha. It just annoys me that people don't respect na nga good manners and right conduct so bastos pa their words! Like they made aral in some kanto in Payatas or some remote Mangyan rural town no! Yuck to the hilt talaga! My God, if ganito, we shall forever remain a third world! Not good for my image kaya to be dwelling in a country worse than Botswana no! We can only blame our corrupt educational system and the fact that there are so dami pobre people in this country they can't afford to buy na nga proper education and nutrition and feed Promil to their kids into being summa cum laude they make anak pa like rabbits! Helloooooooooo, people! Pa li-gate kaya or vasectomy or use Frenzy no! Or eat more papaya para to lower down the libido level!!! Dagdag pa our bulok teachers who dress like they are spokespersons of the salvation army!!! Buti na lang I can afford to prance around in Gucci and Prada! Kaya die na lang sila sa inggit! Ahihihihihi!!!!!

And what's ba with all these [name of site] people na pa-angst ha! They try and make everything so deep and, like, so philosphical as if we won't grasp their artistic thought patterns. Helloooooo! I made aral in the Assumption kaya! We have so many liberal arts and we are so in touch with the common people by making eat fishball like them, you know for social understanding and world peace! Hay naku, so hirap talaga in the third world! If you don't eat kanto food people will make accuse you of being elitist! Hulloooooo! I can be down-to-earth like an ordinary Maria rin kaya! I can pull it off by wearing (ugh!) Bench!!!!! Di ba so masa kaya yun! Further proof, I endorsed the crappy-beyond-belief Leonardo Bags kaya!!!! Of course Im not mentioning it in my TV show that I gagged and retched for hours after shooting the blasted commercial but they paid me bazillion pesos, so, carry na yun! I am so well compensated I can now afford the Python Prince Bag from Louis Vuitton and Three custom-made Birkin bags from Hermes! Hihihihi! Iba talaga pag wise and bankable endorser! Kahit San-San mo tingnan, winner pa ren!!!!

Ay wait muna, I am digressing kaya! Ahihihihi!

So yun di ba, I was saying how kadiri kaya some people here in [name of site]!!!! The kajologan is on an all-time high! So dami the bobo people who have no purpose but fish for sex! Like they are libog incarnate! Helloooo! Kadiri kaya! Why not make saboy asido na lang kaya into your organs para make tanggal the kati than inflict your kahornihan in public no! I used to suffer dry spells but thankfully andito na si James so I won't have to be desperate and post here in [name of site] my cellphone number for a quickie!!! Hekhekhekhek! Ayyyyy I am so blushing crimson na! Tama na nga the balahura talk and face the pressing issues of [name of site]!!!!

I am making tawag to all idiotic [name of site]ers to be conscientious online citizens kaya! How are we going to achieve a decent community? Simple lang noh, if you just crack your thick skull and let some fresh intelligence waft through you're mildewed brains! So make listen and pay attention! I am not making ulit these tips if you act tanga like my P.A. My God, she's so tanga she thinks Juicy Couture ay gawa ng Tang! Grabeh! I'm thinking na nga of firing her but she's the only one who is willing to be enslaved for a dismal salary so I'm making tiis na lang with her! Pero talaga there are days when I wanna just throw my Blahniks at her!

Going back to [name of site], please lang no! Ayaw ni Papa Jesus your bastos pictures and postings! And what ba with all these vulgar nicknames?!!! Lalabasan_na_ako, Tayong_tayo, Hard_and_ready!!! My gosh! So indecent ha!!!!! So Baboy talaga some people! many are soliciting pa for sex trips and orgies!!! Then there are those who post explicit sex stories! Very perverted sha, My God! Is there no end to the Gommorah acts here in [name of site]?!!!! Papa Jesus will be so angry you'll be turned into pillars of salt, I swear!!!!!

Tama na this kabaliwan! Stop na the insanity!

I am so sick of this na! I'm deleting na my account! For Good!

My gosh! I am so shuddering at the thought of being here! Sheeeeetttt, what will my fashionista friends think if they find out?! My spine is shivering like hell thinking about it!

If I am made buking I will deny it no! I'll just say it's some vicious toad named LoudCloud who has been spoofing me kaya!

They will believe me, I am sure like hell of it!!!! Otherwise, If I am not credible I won't be able to convince women to use Pantene shampoo no! Kaya to those inggetera na walang magawa, You're just jealous. I only have one word for you:



ignoramous said...

I laughed so hard on this one.

Guess you wrote this one, a long time ago.

Kris must've realized by now that James has some pretty fucked-up genes. LOL

"Uy, ang sweet ni James, like so grabe... He makes balat the saging for me. Ain't he sweet?

Hey! James... stop it na, einubeh... Don't eat the balat."


the wilted prune. said...

you're scary.

mr_d said...

HAHAHHAHAHA! mas malala na ba talaga tayo sa Botswana?! shet...

sad n me.

xienahgirl said...

i am not a kris aquino fan
so should i be waving
my machete?

i dont even own
a freakin bread knife
and if i do
i wouldnt wave it
in front of kris aquino.

id stick it
to her hypthalamus
so shed die slowly
from hunger and thirst
which is very imposible
if she is the endorser
of a feminine hygiene wash
in a third world country
that exaggerately suffers
dry spells.

did i just say
that in one breath?

does she have a hypothalamus?

loudcloud said...

igno - you are as warped. lolz.

datu - and your are an evil, evil prune :P

mrD - not yet but we're inching towards that state. scary. hehe.

x - nooooooo, hands off the machete! haha

Q The Conqueror said...

Hay nako, this LoudCloud talaga, so sagwa na nga the name, making gaya-gaya pa to me. Tsk. What website kaya did he pretend to be me nanaman? Hay nako. I'll have him banned from Club Mafia. Hihihihi. My designer Pepsi Herrera owns it pa naman. Kaya you make tago-tago na LoudCloud ha! When my brother becomes President, you're so patay.

- Kris

James said...

is this your alter-ego talking?

and geez what is this site? you had me thinking sobra. ahihihihi

sana it's not my site you are talking about ha, kasi i just changed my domain in my blog "PINK is the new black" to this new domain name:

visit ka then leave me a tag na lang. its got a new temp, i guess its the end of "too much pink"

*your kris aquino thing is so infectious

loudcloud said...

Q - hahahahaha. YOU do a Boy Abunda entry. now na!

james - thanks for minimizing the saturation of pink in the blogosphere. hehe.

churvah said...


loudcloud said...

churvah - how cute your handle kaya. i'm so inggit naaaaaa! hahaha.