Cyberbugs

Old entry from an old blog which will once again serve as convenient filler.

Listen closely, gentle [name of website] boys and girls--and pay attention else Uncle LoudCloud smack your soft pink heinies with a snappy ruler!

Don’t get alarmed, Uncle LoudCloud is kidding! He’s not that violent.

There is another very vital issue Uncle LoudCloud wanna discuss. It concerns networking etiquette for dummies, dweebs and dorks. Netiquette to attenuate it accordingly. Uncle Loudcloud, for some time now have experienced (and no doubt, so have you) a few episodes concerning fellow [name of website] citizens. It goes like this: you log in and you're met with five trillion complete strangers awaiting authorization to be your buddy. Naturally the self-centered Narcissist in you is flattered to no end that random strangers actually bothered to add you up. So you check their profile. And get the letdown of your life: majority of these buddies-in-waiting are either bonafide losers or plainly gung-ho megalomania just waiting for a trigger to start open-firing in the neighborhood starbucks. (Now wait a minute, that sounds like a good idea, but don’t try it at home, kids! Seriously!) Before we proceed further let’s identify our suspects:

• 1. the linkslut [linkus maximus] This species calls to mind a frantic bingo player who has way too many cards to dot. He goes on a link spree like a panic-buying fit after it’s announced by your perkily inaccurate weatherman that apocalypse is going to happen in the next three hours. Numbers is what matters for this species. He doesn’t care that he practically has no idea who he linked with as long as he can keep his list growing; that in terms of buddy asset he’s borderline Warren Buffet. What makes this species annoying is that he will do everything including begging, emotional blackmail, or have your pet salamander hostage if you don’t link him up. Since he does the linking of your profile without as much as ‘hello, i added you up/hi can i add you up’ he puts you in a very awkward position: if you add him up because you’re embarrassed to deny him your buddy list will become incubator of mutants; denying his request will instantly make you a snooty asshole; pretending you don’t know he added you up will make you one insensitive clod. Whichever way, you lose. Unless of course the website creates subcategories in the buddy/friends list: “Approved with a grudge,” “added out of guilt,” “i’m actually more embarrassed to deny the buddy aspirant,” “he knows voodoo/he is related to the Corliones AND the Sopranos.”

• 2. the impressionista [flaterrisimus malnourisus] Usually this kind is the slightly higher in the annoyance scale than the linkslut. After he has you in his buddy list he would bother you to no end. He’ll bug you until you start screaming and do random homicidal acts. This is most aggravating. Firstly, you have no idea who this dweeb is, so you’re not a credible authority to give a sincere testimonial of his sanctity or brilliance. Secondly, impression/testimonials stem from familiarity ergo the word testimonial; you have known the subject or have established a tie or acquaintance and anything less than that is shameless flattery or gratuitous fabrication. Well, for some clever citizens, just to have the impressionista shut up, do laconic human reviews like “this dude is cute,” or “cool guy”. Strangely enough nobody wrote “i have no fucking idea who this freak is but my ears are bleeding from constant impression harassment so i cave in and wrote this mindless personality review.” Or maybe “having added this dweeb is my biggest mistake and i live to regret and be haunted of it till the rest of my life.”

• 3. the commentfreak [freakazoidarie commentare] Almost similar to the impressionista in nature but is more cunning and crafty. He would write bad journal entries and declare it a monumental opus. Then he would hound everyone by rabidly soliciting for comments. He would infect the chatroom and send gazillion private messages asking for glowing feedback on his opus. If you happen to write a disapproving comment this species will froth in the mouth and slap you with nicknames that will make the cast of The Osbournes blush. Aside from being touchy-feely this type is highly opinionated and generous with senseless, outrageously hilarious points of view. It is not enough to refute this type with ‘this sucks’. You have to be very creative. Try it Shakespeare style: “You have not much brain as you have earwax!” or “You’re the part of a candle which is better put out.” When that fails say something romantic like “had your mom foreseen you’d turn out to be a vicious retard she should have drank Liquid Sosa to abort you.” The reverse of this type is not the solicitor but the giver of disgracefully side-splitting comments in your entries. He doesn’t have one smidgen, shitty comprehension on what you just wrote but is compelled to leave a comment so you’ll be impressed by his utter cluelessness. This one is forgiven for his candor and entertainment value.
  

• 4. the floodwhore [torrentis extremis] Having this kind around is the torture equivalent of volunteering to have your balls pulled out with rusty, red-hot pliers. He would flood your bulletin board, chatroom or inbox to announce something remotely interesting. This species calls to mind an overeager kindergarten kid raising both hands in a desperate attempt for a bathroom pass. (Usually before he reaches the bathroom it’s too late, thereby forever tarnishing his reputation. Even if he becomes the supreme chancellor of the universe or a United Nations Secretary General, the minute he shows up to the class reunion his classmates faces would gleefully light up and yell: Hey it’s Mr. Pooped Pants!)

• 5. the show-offphrenic [flauntium braggerensia] Usually this type has deep seated inferiority complex being disguised by close up shot of his abs, his speedo stuffed with baby cucumber, or on extreme cases an uncovered crotch. Worse, the picture is lifted from a porn site. [Girls, we do admire the close up shot of cleavages so deep we are reminded of the Panama Canal!] There is nothing wrong with flaunting one’s asset, in fact that gives a lot of people something to co-star with their most mindblowing wet dreams. It would only matter if his/her IQ and personality factor is exceeded by her bust size or his dick length by 35 points.
  

So you see, gentle [name of website] boys and girls, we have identified just a fraction of the annoying species that we coexist with here in this beautiful community of ours. We cannot simply dismiss them—we endure them with a mix of annoyance and amusement. But such is life. Having written this mocking piece I now expect violent reactions and foul oaths from the identified genus. While they howl indignance and hatred and plot for my immediate demise I am rolling my eyeballs and singing Nine Inch Nails songs in my head.

And oh, gentle [name of website] boys and girls, this time bring Uncle LoudCloud a couple shots of Vodka.

Don’t forget the garnish while you’re at it.